Why is the Mill telling you this, you’re wondering. Because it’s the Mill’s favourite film and it is so bursting with knowledge of it that it wants to share it all to the world? Eh, not quite (that’s The Guns of Navarone, by the way). Because it wants you have some a fact or two to please a companion around the fire at the club? Hmm, not really. Because it’s using it as useful bluster to fill up some space and cover up for the fact that there is not much tittle-tattle to tittle-tattle about? Bingo! You can see for yourself below.
Rafael Benítez has spent the last few days rearranging the furniture in his office but he finally thinks he has got it. As you enter the surprisingly small room, you immediately notice that he has moved the book case from the right side of the room to the left and that he has borrowed that old trick from interior designers of painting the inside of the shelf some shades deeper than the colour of the room. The books have been organised, of course. This time in the order in which he bought them. That way he can write his own autobiography without picking up a pen. The desk, which oddly faced the wall under the previous regime, now looks out the window. On it are three framed photos. One of his wife and kids. One of a motivational quote from Oprah Winfrey. And one of the time he caught that wild brown trout in Cogra Moss. Next to that desk is a fax machine, containing a piece of paper that details Real Madrid’s offer for Sergio Agüero. The Spanish club are dangerously underweight when it comes to attackers and are determined to get their man who is determined to stay in Manchester. He may get his way and stay but Edin Dzeko won’t. He has been booked in for a one-way ticket to Roma.
Meanwhile,
Paul Pogba ... zzz ... Manchester City ... zzz ...
Manchester United ... zzz ... £70m ... zzz.
Over in Chelsea, José Mourinho has been looking in the mirror, both literally and metaphorically. When doing so, he stares deeply and rubs his sideboards and his chin with his right hand. He has been thinking about his image last season. Too serious, too po-faced, too austere, too forbidding, too somber. If only the world knew the real him. Thoughtful, happy, chirpy, playful and funny, really, really funny. Sides-hurting funny. Milk-exiting-the-nose-funny. ‘Damn, if only the could see that. How can I make them see that? There must be something I could do that would make the world see how funny I am. Think, José think’. And then, ding. Off went the lightbulb in his head and in popped the idea. Sign Robert Green as a replacement for Petr Cech. Like all the best jokes, it was so simple, yet so clever. ‘You’re a genius, José! Mwah!’ He wiped the excess saliva off the mirror before running up to Roman’s office to ask him if his credit card still worked.
Cech, in case you are wondering, will be boarding the Do One bus that will only be making one stop and one stop only, Arsenal. Lucky for him, he won’t have to sit there all alone on the bus, looking out the window, with only his iPod and the Combat Jack Show for company. Gonzalo Higuaín and Edinson Cavani will also be there with him. Julian Draxler too. But that’s not all. Hatsune Miku, the Bogeyman and the entire cast of The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin will fill up the rest of the red double-decker as well as half of another bus following behind. Seriously.
Up in Liverpool, Brendan Rodgers has just put down the phone. He did so with a polite goodbye but once the receiver was safely back in its cradle, he kicked the desk very hard. The result? A very sore big toe that led to Brendan hopping around the room and swearing like a sailor whose bezkozyrka has just been blown overboard. The reason? Southampton said that while a neatly-stacked pile of £10m did look delightful, they believe that Nathaniel Clyne is worth another £5m more. Brendan was sure that £10m would be enough and that the extra could £5m could be spent on having his best quotes painted onto the walls around Anfield. He may have to ditch that idea now. Sigh. Poor Brendan.
